Telling the difference between males and females is quite difficult.
I have a LFS owner here who claims he can tell the difference by checking the vent area, he has shown me how he does it but I cannot tell the difference.
Often the males banner fin is longer than on the females, but in the breeding pair I had for many years, the female had a much longer banner fin, so that theory doesn't work very well.
I have found the best method it to put three together, and when you see two hanging out and one loner, scoop the loner out.
Pretty much anything would love to eat bangai fry. But, if you have a lot of hidey spots like a thick mass of caulerpa, occasionally one can escape predation.
Also, if you have an urchin in your tank, the newly released fry will hide in the spines, and it is very easy to suck them out with a turkey baster and put them in a rearing tank.
I think a 20 is appropriate for a breeding pair of banggai. I have tried them in a ten before and they never spawned, I don't know if it was the tank size or another factor.