Part 4: Tonight on Cinemax – Mycedium

by | May 9, 2011 | Funny, Industry | 2 comments

Thus far we’ve shown you how to recognize the tricks used to sell overpriced rare coral.  You have been armed with an understanding of megapixels, color spectrum, and post production tricks.  Yet you keep buying these frags, time and time again.  What causes us to repeat mistakes over and over again?


I can’t believe I actually have to write this piece, it makes me feel dirty all over.  Several years ago, some “genius” thought it would be a good idea to add sex to corals.  Yes, sex + corals.  Smart thinking right?  I mean, you can add sex to everything and it instantly makes it cooler and adds value.  The telltale signs are all over our society.  Except for one little exception.


Maybe it was just me, but I thought that the whole idea of combining sex with animals was taboo.  I know I am getting a bit up in years but surely someone else finds this a little unpleasant:


Last time I checked, my dog wasn’t sexy.  Even as a puppy, still not sexy.  Cats, while their image is often used in regards to human sex, are NOT SEXY.  Monitor lizard?  Not sexy.  Can you think of any animal that you would keep as a pet that you consider sexy?  Actually, can you find me one animal on the entire planet that can be considered sexy?

I know, a lot of you won’t speak up because of that whole pesky law about NOT HAVING SEX WITH ANIMALS.  So I won’t make you raise your hand, but I’ll just speak for myself here, ANIMALS ARE NOT SEXY.

“But wait” you say.  “Corals have big fat soft polyps, cool colors, and enjoy warmth”.  OK, let me make it clear to you why corals are not and will never be considered “sexy”:

  1. The live in saltwater
  2. They shrivel when touched
  3. Touch them too much and they die, immediately.
  4. They can and do sting
  5. They can be broken in half
  6. Most frags are less than 1″ long
  7. Frags usually come with some sort of bug or worm
  8. Underneath that soft flesh, they have incredibly sharp calcium coralites that will easily pierce your skin

That should be enough right?  You aren’t going to make me get into the various physical reasons why sex with corals will not work right?  I don’t even want to think about what parts go where (although I do get a kick out of how I just made YOU do it).

There are actually a lot of different sellers who are using sex to promote their corals.  It actually makes me laugh, you know, the whole “using bestiality to market products” still seems somewhat edgy.  Maybe I am in the minority, but this is NOT EVER going to make me want buy corals from you.

showroom copy.jpg

And while we are on this topic, let’s make sure everyone knows that this is NOT a good way to sell your livestock.

Corals are not cars.  They are not laptops, clothing, sunglasses, jewelry, sneakers, no no no.

So let me be the first to say, using sex to sell corals is stupid and makes the vendor look like that kid in middle school that would start laughing every time the science teacher used the word “bone”.
So here is our updated list of coral sales trickery:

  • Special blue lighting
  • High Price
  • Sex
  • MEGApixels

Wait, am I talking about corals or the sex industry?

17105_strip-club copy.jpg

Next week: Bernie Madoff, Coral Collector



    Personally I always found the three toed sloth extremely sexy. Woolly mammoths too. OH YESSS!

    In all seriousness though if I was a hot chick w/ double D’s and a fat butt I’m sure I could sell lots of anything..corals,cars,mouse traps , flesh eating bacteria it makes no difference. Men are gullible and always think they have a shot if they flash and spend money. That’s just the way it is. As a matter of fact I think I’m going to open the 1st strip club/coral store and call it the salty clam.

  2. jdubs

    Whoa. Looking forward to visiting that booth at MACNA.


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