I couple of weeks ago my wife and I are invited to go out on my friends boat with him and his wife. Great, let someone else use some gas for once.
He has the same size boat as I have but some people really shouldn't be allowed to own a boat.
We get on the boat and his wife tells me that everything is wrong with the boat even though it is very new. They only use it once or twice a year and they bought it new for like $130,000.00.
So it costs them like $10,000.00 every time they use it so far.
We are supposed to go to Connecticut which is about an hour ride. I figure "everything: is wrong with the boat so I will ask a simple question. (It's the Boat Captain in me)
I asked if he has flares.
He says "Of course I have flares"
I ask if they are expired?
His wife tells me, "they don't know because they are in that cabinet, and they can't open it".
OK, great. I force open the cabinet and ask for some WD-40 so they can open it easily.
He tells me the mechanic is fixing "something electronic" on the boat.
I ask, "What is he fixing?"
He doesn't know. That makes me feel great now that we are taking this thing for an hour ride to another state, Thoughts of "Gilligans Island" flash through my head.
I say, what do you mean "You don't know what he is fixing?"
"I don't know but he fixed it temporarily". Temporarily with what! Like a paperclip!
OK so we head out. I say, put on some music!
"The radio doesn't work" Of course not!
I say I think we are in for a storm so we should not go to Connecticut (or anywhere else further than the lines tied to the dock)
So his wife convinces him to stay in the harbor.
The storm I predicted hits us with a fury. I yell, "Drop the Anchor".
(In a storm, the first thing you are supposed to do is drop the anchor so you don't crash into the other boats moored there.)
So I see him climb out to the front of the boat and start to kick the anchor.
I ask, "What are you doing? " Don't you just push the button near the steering wheel to drop the anchor?
Of course, but first I have to "kick it".
Why, are you mad at it?
He asks, "Don't you have to kick your anchor?"
No, I don't. Why would I? I said "Does the Captain of the aircraft carrier Enterprise have to kick the anchor?"
He said, it doesn't go down unless you kick it. I ask if he ever read the manual. He told me that the boat came with too many manuals and he doesn't like to read manuals.
I said "It Shows!"
So he kicks the anchor a few times until it falls into the sea. We ride out the storm and get ready to leave for port. Now it is pitch black and about 10:00pm. He is driving with the plastic front window wrapped around his face and trying to see through the inky darkness. We are traversing through many boats and moorings. I said, "Don't you have a floodlight?"
He says "Of Course", I say "Where is it?" He says "In my garage" I said "I hope it's on".
Then I stupidly ask, Why don't you just follow the dotted lines back on the Chart Plotter?
(The chart plotter on a boat puts dots on the screen that follow the boats course, this way, when you want to return, you just follow the dots so you know exactly how to get back.)
He asks "What Dots?"
I look at his chart plotter and the entire screen is white. Since he has the boat he never deleted the dots so they kept adding up until now the screen is pure white as it is "all" dots.
I said Why didn't you delete the previous courses? He says "You can do that?" Like Duh, and I almost went to Connecticut with this Jiboni. (He is one of my closest friends)
Now we are getting near his dock and I see a wooden work boat, then about 35 feet back a nice Yacht and we had to "park" in between them. Our wives are in the cabin probably discussing cellulite or anti perspirants that don't leave stains on silk and all of a sudden, it was like the Titanic. CRASH, we hit the work boat. Our boat runs up on to it and slides back into the water.
I said, "Would you like me to dock this for you?" He said, Would you please.
So tomorrow I am going there to fix his radio, chart plotter, anchor, cabinet and everything else wrong with the thing.
His boat is very similar to mine but a foot longer.